Learning How to Say No Can Financially Save Your Life!

Learning To Say No Can Financially Save Your Life!

Learning to say no to money requests is probably one of my biggest challenges. It’s an ongoing theme that requires attention or else I’ll be writing you next month explaining how I gave in again.

Even though I’ve gotten better over the years it’s still a process for me because I love helping others. It makes you feel good to be able to say yes when people ask you for money. However, it’s not fun when they don’t pay you back. I’m going to say it straight up. Some people don’t care that you loaned them money because if they did they would pay you back! I honestly couldn’t look someone in the face if I owed them money and made no attempts to pay them back.

Then there are others that have great intentions of paying you back but life happens and that person that owes you money decides that their situation is more of an emergency than yours! How is that? I need my money too. I’ve definitely had enough of that.

Being Raised To Be A Giver

I was raised to be generous toward others. Sorry mum, but I learned my giving trait from you. Either someone was always sleeping on our couch or eating a plate of food.  For a long time, I watched my mother take people places, loan out her car and other generous gestures.  There’s so much negativity in this world so I understand why my mother always wants to help others.

I admired this good trait from my mother but it turned into a negative action because it made it harder for me to say no to others.  I think my mum is finally learning the consequences of over extending herself.   She is making more of an effort not to say yes to every request.

So of course, I grew up doing the same thing. This includes giving money to the homeless and less fortunate (definitely still do this) and even giving stuff away.

Over the years so much of my personal possessions were given away. If I felt someone needed something that I could replace, away it went.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to be helpful and giving. However, if you constantly take from yourself you won’t have anything left to give. This was a hard lesson to learn because once you start saying yes it becomes even harder to start saying no.

The Take away here is knowing that it’s ok to be a nice person.  I know there are plenty of us out there. Those that will just give and give until they have nothing left to give. However, when being nice turns into you be overly nice and taken advantage of, you have to do a self-check. Ask yourself why are constantly asked for money? Do people think you’re rich because of your possessions or how you live? Is there an invisible “ask me” mark on your forehead?

Time To Be Real

I’m sure we all heard “A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my end”.  I learned that quote from a friend. I forgot the situation but remember her saying no to someone. Initially, I thought she was being mean about it.  Years later and after being burned by others,  It’s probably the best quote to describe these type of situations.

Importantly, it’s hard out here. Whether you’re making $30,000 or $100,000, often times your income often doesn’t match the bills coming in.  That’s right -just because someone is making more than you or seems to be better off financially, doesn’t mean they have it to give. Consider that if you’re constantly giving handouts to everyone who asks, friend you will be broke!

Trust me, If I could calculate all the money I loaned, I probably would have at least $10,000 in the bank! Alternatively, had I invested that same money, over the years I would probably have about….not worth calculating. I’ll just be mad at that number lol.

It’s hard saying no to the people you love, whether it’s a friend, family member or someone you’re dating.  I can probably tell about 10 different stories of me not being able to say no and the money it has cost me.

The point here is not to allow another person’s emergency put you out of your comfort zone. Meaning, don’t give what you KNOW you don’t have. Always remember you will have your own emergency at some point and you always want to be able to help yourself. Don’t feel rushed to give a response. It’s fine to take your time if you’re really unsure of the answer. Pay attention to those that consistently ask you for help. 

The Pros Of Giving & Cons of Over Giving

Being a giving person has its benefits. People will like you and think you’re the nicest person in the world. You feel good about yourself. Who doesn’t want to feel good about doing something for someone else? Come, on we’ve all been there.

Being a giving person can make you more humbled.  You start being more appreciative of what you have.  Oftentimes, you realize that you didn’t need it after all especially if it’s going to help someone else.

Being a giver teaches you to do things without expecting something in return. It’s nice to be able to loan money with no strings attached. Then when they do pay you back or pay it forward (my favorite) your world is all good. I love to see the good in people.

After a while, being too over giving has its consequences. Constantly helping others can make you feel resentful. Especially if you’re constantly helping the same person.  You may start to feel like they don’t appreciate you. It is possible to wonder if they’re using you. Overly giving can make you start to feel bad about yourself.  I know I use to think that folks thought I was stupid or an easy target. When you stop saying yes you risk the possibility of becoming disliked. Try not to worry about it. You have the right to say no.

The main point here is to try to have a good balance by being aware. It’s ok to be a giving person but don’t always say yes to every request. Also, don’t always say no. Give when you can because you never know when it’s your turn to be in need. 

Learn To Say No Say To Family

This part can be tricky. Shout out to my gigantic family. This is probably the hardest because who doesn’t love their family? We are more willing to give to family members because we feel obligated, at least I know I do.  It’s so hard but it’s an easy way to get yourself in trouble. It’s easier to yes to family.

If you live your life giving based upon family being everything you will be broke because there’s always a family member that needs something. Consider that they know you well and know that most likely you are not going to say no to them. You may also feel obligated to say yes because saying no sounds harsh and it often comes with negative consequences.

When you say no it is possible for family to think negatively of you. They may think you don’t care, are judging them or you don’t love them. Yep, I have seen it happen to me and others. I know a friend whose family member deleted her from social media because she stopped loaning her money. Money that was never paid back!! That adds up!

I recently started saying no and it hasn’t been fun but I’m happier.

The lesson here is to know it’s OK to say no. Just because it’s family doesn’t mean it’s an automatic yes. Don’t let that familiar tone get to you, especially if you really want to say no.  It’s OK to not give a reason. Sidebar: That’s a good lesson period.  Just remember to TRY not to mix your feelings for your family with the obligation to help. Also, like helping strangers, it’s ok to help family. Just be careful not to be the family’s loan officer. 

Learn To Say No To Friends

It seems less challenging to say no to friends over family. Consider that your friends should at least know what is happening in your life. This means they should know your struggles and aspirations because they are your friend.

So, it shouldn’t be a surprise if you tell them that you don’t have it. This includes knowing if it’s a pay week or how much you’re saving for a vacation, wedding or debt. Friends should be less compelled to ask. However, this is not always the scenario.

Trust me, I know it’s hard. I’ve helped friends too. Some gave it back and others did not. It’s a gamble you don’t need to take. Again, I am not trying to be harsh but our economy is not the same. I feel it’s harder and harder to get by and having extra money is no longer a factor when we are all trying to save or pay bills!

The Key is having a healthy wallet. Everyone needs help and it won’t be surprising if you end of assisting a friend. Consider that you should not give out what you can’t afford to lose and you should always bet on not getting that money back. If you can swallow both realities and still want to help, you shouldn’t be upset if you are not reimbursed.

Learning To Say No To Significant Others

There’s often something about our feelings for those we are romantically involved with that can set us on a path of emotional and financial destruction. There is no judgment here because I’ve been a fool for love. For starters, I think it’s pertinent that folks date others that are on the same page with them financially.

Nope, this doesn’t mean that you only date someone making the same amount as you BUT you both should have the same financial ideas.  Meaning pay attention if the person you’re dating is more of a spender and not a saver. Be careful when he or she doesn’t like to discuss money but you observe them spending frivolously.

Let me explain why this is important. Your future self will thank you later. When it’s time to get married or rent an apartment, your partner will most likely not be able to assist you with the lease, mortgage or utility bills. This puts a lot of pressure on the relationship especially if you feel that your partner is not doing their part.

This doesn’t mean on the second date you’re checking their pockets and financial statements. You want to pay attention if you’re planning on getting into a serious relationship because sometimes we obligate ourselves way too early. If you’re not careful, you may find yourself offering to pay for small items here and there until it adds up.

Getting Caught Up Myself

I couldn’t leave out my own shame. This is the first recipe for disaster. I could never fathom why I chose partners that were a financial mess. I either dated people that were making more than me and still struggling and others that were struggling because they just didn’t care.

My most recent mess was dating someone who didn’t care to open their mail; I saw this early on. I just figured since I was obsessed with checking the mail since I was 7, maybe I’m just a psycho. Also, I thought maybe they had online bill pay. Who needs to send checks now and days? Whatever excuses I used helped put me in that mess.

For the few years we dated I would help to pay for things because I felt bad when I noticed utilities were cut off. It was horrible and all that did was allow a lot of resentment fester and we eventually broke up.

The End Result

I take FULL responsibility for the amount of debt that I allowed my ex to put me in and it was probably the hardest lesson because I’m still paying for it.

Consider that once I realized what was happening to me I felt awful. I allowed this person to take advantage of my kindness. I allowed my ex to be added to credit cards because in my mind I thought we were in this for the long run. Three years later, I had over $10k worth of debt.

I ended the relationship angry at my ex for my inability to say no among other reasons. Consider that I had many warnings which included unpaid bills, empty promises, and my own instincts that I chose to ignore.

The lesson here is to be very careful with money and your heart. It doesn’t go together. Simple.

My Advice If You’re In A Similar Situation

I would advise that if you’re in a serious relationship with someone that has poor credit and you have good credit, make sure they’re willing to allow you to assist them with improving their credit. You can offer to take over the bills to ensure they are being paid on time. You can offer to educate them on how to improve their credit.

Let’s talk about marriage. When you marry a person consider that you’re also marrying their debt. It may seem ok for now but when it’s time to get a house and their credit score doesn’t compliment yours, the burden is on you. This ultimately adds more to your credit report and potentially makes your credit score low, especially if you’re adding additional major purchases.

Make sure you are with someone who respects money just as much as you do. Pay attention to the red flags.  Don’t get yourself into debt trying to save them.  My fiance hates talking about money BUT is always open to hearing me out and now I control all the household expenses. Honestly, it’s the most fun responsibility! I strangely love paying bills.

Does anyone have a disaster money story they would like to share? Please do. If you need general financial education please contact me. I LOVE helping others.